muse:masks and bones.

muse:
i've had this mask plastered on me for a while. a mask with a fake, plastic smile stuck on it. perpetually. i don't let anyone get too close, i hold everyone at arm's distance. they're all put off by my laughing demeanor--if you laugh, nothing must be wrong with you.

then he came. he crashed in, with his stern manners, his gentle smile, his amazing knowledge--it was all too much. i'm not sure when my mask cracked, but it did. and i think i may have thrown him off too--it might have been love. but i never gave him a chance. he was willing to give me everything he had, everything, everything... and i let him down. holding people at a distance is a habit, so of course it was rational that it would kick in at the right moment. or... in this case, the wrong moment.

so these little signals that i've been getting from the universe, from these bones, they're telling me that i was wrong. that i should've let him in, that i should've let him through, that i should've given him a chance, that i... that maybe, i was wrong.

now, it's three months later and he's all that's on my mind. he holds my thoughts, my mind, my heart. how could he hold such power over me? it's not logical at all--humans can only control their own feelings, their own emotions. how could someone do this to me? these bones say that it's possible, that i was wrong to not let him in.

and now, as i'm crying in his car because he's with someone, i realize that i was wrong. for the first time in a long lifetime of being right, i'm wrong. i'm embarrassed because he's watching me as the tears are falling, the mask is breaking, and my world is crashing down.

brainbroth, i finally get it! and writing.

first order of business--
i finally understand your name, brainbroth! so many ideas have been bouncing around in my head lately, just begging to be written about. i do not usually carry around loose paper with me, and i rely too much on my self-proclaimed "good memory" and the ideas fade. whenever i open the "new post" window, i find myself struggling a bit on what to say because i know that i had a good idea up there and now it's just gone. ): the soup of my ideas needs to be captured at some point and recorded so i can write down something! i haven't done a muse in a while, and sorry, i don't have one on hand at the moment.

second order of business. writing.
as y'all probably know, the short story i'm writing for class is finished. not completely finished (because i do need to make sure that i end the workshop with a bang), but completely written. it is currently in its third draft... and i'm struggling trying to find the correct words and ways to phrase things. should i put this in? does this really need to be here? what's going on here, is it really necessary? and of course, sometimes, i just wonder about why i'm starting so early because everyone else seemed to have done a last minute job and come up with pretty fantastic stories (see starsandthemoon and dwgt). and maybe, just maybe it's me being egotistical about being put as the last person (and therefore putting upon myself the pressure of being the best story) and having to blow err'one out of the water, but... i don't know. the story is progressing really nicely, though. so you all have a really great story to look forward to on the last day of workshop... hopefully.

stories -- your own, personal cannibal.

travesty. three blogposts in one day. how could i.


anyway.
on page 13 in the writing life dillard brings up the fact that "we have no choice" in finding what to spin a story off of. she equivocates an idea to a "strip from our own thighs." and i agree with her. the best stories and reflective pieces that i have written come from my own person experience. starsandthemoon can also relate (even though i equivocate her to taylor swift, to her chagrin) as most of her pieces are just spin-offs of her life. and then it's also a bit of lovetowrite2011's wisdom too--the experience that we went through is so personal to us. if you haven't gone through heartbreak, don't write a story about it. if you've never lost someone, don't write a story about it. if you've never been in love, don't write a story about it. a kind of echoey answer to waysofgettinghome's blogpost here, as well. if you've never had sex, don't write a story about it.

my voice, la mia voce

inspired by my friend's post on tumblr, here.


vox is latin for voice. it is also the name of my youth group's quarterly praise night. as part of the worship team and the senior leadership in my youth group, it's extremely important for me--and if you're wondering as to why, feel free to come out to see us. we'll be at:
275 118th Ave SE, Suite 100
Bellevue, WA  98005425.467.5848

additionally, on another note, italiano. it's so beautiful, so i decided to include it in the blogpost title. signore, apri gli occhi per le ingiustizie del mondo.

memento, and a dance.

for those of you who were utterly confused and brainsploded by memento, here's a link to help you understand what happened. pink and i went through it and it was super helpful to understanding the movie.

and now, the dance portion. you're only gonna know who you are and maybe some other people will know who you are, but here's a song. may i have this dance?

stories and shoutouts

so here we are, at blog post one hundred and ten. will i ever stop? maybe. important question!


but more importanter (that's not a word) are the stories. i just skimmed through both of them. mira's has a fantastic ending line that just made me smile like crazy, and then blender has an awesome opening because there is buttery sunlight and thanks for making my day, dear sir. and yeah.

to those who have beta'd for me, thanks a ton! your advice is totally valued, and really helpful. huge shoutout to brainbroth who gives herself way less credit than she deserves. more shoutouts to catandamouse, nameless, and blender for also beta-ing and helping me come up with fabu-tastic endings. additionally, for those of you who want another eye for your story, i'm open to it! a note in advance--i tend to take awhile on these 'cuz i mark up what i like and what i think can be changed. just make sure to give me a couple hours ahead of time to work my magic.

abp#7:old friends, brand new eyes.

first things first. to those of you who got the paramore reference, congratulations. please don't be ignorant, please don't play god, and above all, let someone be the only exception.

anyways.

to be honest, this isn't the first short story that i've ever written (well.. but it is the first one finished, at least). sure, the other stuff that i've tried my hand at were just total honest junk and trash (although there are some things that i've written which are not!) and storywriting is kind of an old friend that i keep meeting up with. however, it's an old friend that somehow looks different all the time. either that, or i'm seeing it through different eyes. also, there are some days on which i'm able to take a hold of the writing and really just craft beautiful worlds with my words--others, on which i cannot. take some of my blogposts. some of the postsecret stories are just not that good. sure, they could be better with (lots and lots of) revision, but sometimes, they are just bad. some of my muses are bad, and sometimes i'm just bad with words. to me, writing this short story has been revisiting my old friend, viewing it in a new light yet again. i've managed to choose my words okay, but of course writing begs and demands that i do it better.