truths; burning.

you never realize that you’re driving a stake through the middle of a friendship until it collapses suddenly and gives way, leaving a yawning chasm between the two of you that cannot be crossed because you never planned for this; all the wood for the bridge was on your friend’s side. you cry, you mope, you gesticulate, you apologize, you scream—anything to try and get your friend to try and send you some wood, for your friend to try and start building a bridge, but there’s nothing. you don’t see anything happen from their side. and so you try and do something to make a bridge on your end, but no matter how hard you try, it just won’t stay. the soil is too soft in one place, the material isn’t sturdy enough, the wind’s too strong. either way, as the days tick along, the amount of effort that you put in to building this bridge goes down, dwindling into the negative numbers as you start to uproot all bridge-making material and just throwing it off of your island, burning it, eating it, whatever. anything to get rid of it. and you can’t really remember why you wanted to build a bridge in the first place, because it was your friend who delivered the final blow to the stake that split the friendship right? after all, it wasn’t your fault. it couldn’t have been your fault. because who does things to themselves that are deliberately bad?

ep:oscillating mess.

some children asked what "ep" meant. it is an acronym for "emotion pile." most of my writing is based on things in my own life and the emotions that stem from them. the emotion pile is just where these come out completely raw and zero percent filtered.

ep:emotion-less than me.

in this weekend, i have realized what an essential part of me emotions are.

giving thanks for thanksgiving.

i guess i should do a thanksgiving post... if i must. le sigh. (totally kidding.)

so in about 3 hours, i will be heading out to my relative's house to spend thanksgiving dinner with them. whoo, fun. especially since there are small children there. and even though they are my cousins, the small child oscillation scale still applies. although i cannot as easily go rat them out to my aunts and uncles. plus, i think i'm the oldest kid there this year, so... i definitely have no excuse. whoops.

but yeah. i'm thankful for family (most of the time), friends (y'all know who you are), the snow, and lots of other things. i don't think i could do what pink did because mine would be all super specific and y'alls would guess who is who in like all of negative 3 minutes. (that's right, that's how good you all are at guessing slash knowing who i'm blathering on about.) so. i shall do a big block post.

friends:
i'm so thankful for all of you. you keep me constantly on my toes as i keep thinking of ways to make you laugh. we've shared so many good memories, from watching movies to even the most mundane lunch conversations that leave us giggling (essentially, i was shagging his bawwwwls). thank you for putting up with my ridiculous singing of even more ridiculous songs, my not-so-often jerktasticness, my annoying tendencies (i don't wanna go to school, i don't wanna go to school!) my mope, my angst, and pretty much just all my crap. love to you all. :)

and i'm eternally thankful to God and all that He's been doing in my life. i know that none of my joys would be possible without Him.

so from me to all of you, a huge thank you, lots of love, and have a fantastic thanksgiving!

ep:wrecked mess.

a mess. that's what i am. too much chaos to be understood, too much to be handled. maybe i am doomed to push people away with my falsities and lies, while yearning for someone.

i hate myself for pushing you away. i hate myself for letting it affect me this much. to the point where i admit that i need you. i need to hear your voice, see your smile, everything. i need you. it's embarrassing. but of course, being the strong, stoic person you are, you never betray anything. no emotion whatsoever. it took me the longest time to realize that you had feelings. and when i did, it made a difference--but only for about two minutes. i know you have emotions. i know you do. but why can't i break through? i know you didn't feel what i felt, but it seemed like you needed me. and for a little bit, i was on cloud nine. it made my day just how much you needed me--needed to talk to me, needed me to laugh, everything.

but those days are gone now. i'm just left in your wake, broken, hurting once again. and that's right. i hurt. i'm not a one-dimensional person. i'm not always happy, i'm not always laughing. please don't buy into that illusion. please.

all that i've learned:
don't wait around and hurt. i'll find someone who needs me, who loves me for who i am. so, pick up the pieces and try to start walking. i can only get closer to my goal.

but come back. i miss you. i need you.

snow.

one thing that i've noticed about snow is that it has this amazing ability to silence. now, i live in a pretty quiet neighborhood (those of you that have been to my house know this already) but the snow makes the quiet even more silent--and the silence is actually pretty beautiful. the silence was there this morning when i got to church early to help set up. it was snowing, and though there were about five cars in the parking lot, the world remained quiet. and i love it. but... the quiet would be a lot more enjoyable with a friend. :)

sugar and opinions.

so. tackling things in order. well... actually now that i think about it, there's an overlap.

sugar:
i'm a sucker for sweet things. and not sweet things in terms of sugary things, but sweet things like sappy romantic things. such as this facebook comment conversation with my cousin:
him: guess what? shes wrong!!!!!
(you ARENT my mother but shes wrong about me saying that)

me: lool i really hope i'm not your mother. that'd be icky. :(

also, guess what? I MISS YOUR FACE

him: guess what? your face is in a tiny box next to your name so i can see it even though youre far far away :D

you get the gist. i was all warm and fuzzy inside because number one--it's an amazing feeling when you know people miss you slash need you and number two--he's just a sweet kid. well... when he's not being a crazy weirdo (which is about 97% of the time). 

which somehow leads into my second point. 

opinions: somehow in workshop, we have to sugarcoat them. we can't be mean about them as this post said and also people who are mean and jerkfacey should just stop because nobody needs it. in fact, if you didn't complain and simply gave a reason why you disliked said thing and then a way to improve it, then it would be fine. kinda. 

but yeah. opinions. we are all entitled to them 

so... your opinion. the writer values it, but sometimes if it's too vicious, hold it back. we are all entitled to our own opinions, meaning the writer is entitled to his slash her own opinion as well. so don't go around holding your head high and thinking you're the only right person in the world--this leads to conflict which is just bad and leads to drama that nobody wants to get into. so if and when you feel a snarky slash mean opinion cross your mind, run "king of anything" through your head and think again.

thanks for your time.

in just a running continuation of abp#6, i'd like to say thank you  to ms. snaring, for this post. it's about how people may sometimes only be in our lives for a season, and how sometimes, we just have to move on.

now, easier said than done, for sure. i know that i get super attached to people really fast, and i have a hard time when they decide it's time to pull away. i also know that there are some people that i just pull away from, and in retrospect, i feel bad for doing that. but then i look at my life now, and see just how much it's gotten better--maybe from a lack of said person, or maybe because someone better has just filled their place.

so. to those of you that have moved on from me without me wanting you to--thanks. you've honestly done me a service. you've opened up a void for someone else to fill. someone better than you, someone more worthy than you. and please don't feel offended--it was for the better. and to the people who've taken their places: thank you.

movies, and how they are stories.

so, a group of us (sorry everyone, there weren't enough letters to evenly link so starsandthemoon got an entire word. love you~) got together today to watch the worst movie EVAR best movie in the world: mega shark vs. giant octopus.

now, let me start this off by saying that i personally knew it would be bad, it was pimped badly on livejournal. i think i let everyone else know this, and maybe we all knew this because of the faces of the actors on the box just tipped us off. like a lot. additionally, actor credits are le horrible. 'cuz lorenzo lamas is just a horrible person and he honestly said (to the japanese character): don't worry, we're not taking you to manzanar. which is absopositively horrible, and america just sucks.

anyway, we all tromped over to kayla's house to watch this thing trainwreck brain-numbing mush movie. people, watch it. watch it with friends to make it better. we made so much commentary that we didn't even know what was really happening. for instance, there was a scene where the characters suddenly decided to make out, and we didn't even know. like, seriously. there was no context, no nothing aside from a sketchy porno night that we deemed happened ourselves. and by ourselves, i mean that i kinda yelled that and we decided it was so. and then, ace hannah (being the genious director he is) decided to make the characters do the nasty. (but not onscreen, 'cuz that's icky and like the matrix.) once again, no context aside from the fact that the two characters got horny in the laboratory because they were doing chemistry junk (which was really pouring water with different food coloring in it together) and then decided, hey, we're doing chemistry, oh wait, we're doing chemistry and we have chemistry so let's snog and make babbies but in all reality this was just a device for them to realize that they could lure giant animals into largely populated bays with pheromones! and they had to have sex to realize this! (and the pheromones were a glow-in-the-dark green. go figure.)

anyways. my point. right.
there was no flow in the movie. horrid transitions, even more horrible storyline. but, i really think this could've been a slightly more decent movie with just better everything. and by everything, i mean everything that we've learned to do in our class as we've learned how to write fiction. ('cuz that movie, people, is pure fiction. i'm pretty sure we won't find a megalodon cryogenically preserved in a glacier up near alaska.) and my final comment about it is that it falls into the category of "so bad that it's good."

muse:martin.

the little post cards! they were so fun to write. i read mine aloud in class but yeah, i wanted to post it here because it was fun to write and yeah. i want to remember it question mark.

muse:
running through the woods, breathless, briars reaching with insistent hands at her clothing almost whispering, "slow down, my sweet, slow down." she screams before something trips her and makes her fall on her bad leg. the pain jerks her awake, and janet eyes the sterile white hospital room around her. her ankle throbs in rhythm with the heart monitor. sighing, she clutches her head. what got her in here? oh, right. martin.

honestly, it had started out like any other day. she woke up grumpy, ate breakfast grumpy, and went to school grumpy. all the previous night before going to bed, she had vowed that she wouldn't do anything stupid in front of him (and hopefully, this didn't count). martin had said "hi" to her from across the courtyard and janet had been so happy and enthralled that she missed the first step of the descending stairs. then the next, and the next, and suddenly she was close friends with pain and the ground. martin, being the nice guy he was, offered to drive her to the hospital. yes, this was all his fault.

muse:static hearts

muse:
the soft, piano and stringed music rolls out of my speakers. a beautiful female voice sings of how math cannot possibly compare with an infinite love, and i find myself agreeing. as her voice vaults higher and higher into the star-laden night sky, the speakers fizz, static is the accompaniment to my whispered singing for a moment. my heart races, the metallic ruby splash comes to life--but only for about a second, merely announcing The Great Coming of Nothing. my heart falls, my face darkens to match the velvet heavens. my downcast stare is met by the blank gaze of my white desk. i ponder a moment before trying to turn my attention back to my book. the words don't leap off the page like they used to. i keep trying to tell myself that i don't need you to top off my night cap, but maybe i do. the static buzz that makes my heart race echoes again, and i glance at my phone. it's...

ep:if you snark and muse:record

so, i was considering things to write about for abp#5 and was thinking "douche" and along the lines of that is "let your lab partner collect data all by himself while you go out to lunch and totally don't help him at all." said person that is being addressed doesn't seem to really mind what happened, although i and certain others feel very inflamed and up-in-arms about it. why do people suck, seriously? when people pull their weight, things work. but when they don't people get angry. also, another thing that pisses me off is when people complain, but do not have a solution slash are not planning the stupid thing. homecoming planning for dinner was extremely difficult, people, SO DO NOT SNARK AT ME IF YOU DON'T ENJOY THE RESTAURANT. YOU MAY GO EAT DINNER BY YOURSELF AND THEN COME TO THE DANCE WITH THAT FABULOUS SNARKY ATTITUDE AND THEN DANCE BY YOURSELF IN THE CORNER. 


anyway.
a muse. once again inspired by the ending of bones.
muse:
i'd told her that he likes records, especially a certain one by a certain band. the record itself turned different colors when the light hit it at different angles, making for a rather psychedelic effect. i knew he'd love it, but it wasn't my place to give it to him.

that night, we were all sitting around in their comfortably cramped apartment, waiting for him to come home. wine glasses were on the table, and all of us (me, her, and our two friends) were sipping our drinks. white dessert wine, the type that is sweet and then kicks you in the mouth as a reward. the black leather couches were warm and comfortable, and i thought that i could never bring myself to stand up. as the door clicks open, our two friends stand up. they manage to mumble something before pushing their way out the doorway. it's just me, him, and her left. he notices the iridescent record on a table next to the couch.

"what's this?"

"oh, avery told me that you love records. especially this band, and it has your favorite song on it."

she stands up, padding her way over to his side.

"look, it even changes color when you move it around!"

he smiles broadly, winningly. i beam.

"thanks!"

"you're welcome," she and i both answer. they don't seem to hear me, and they kiss simply, but lovingly. i can almost hear my heart shattering on the ground, but this is not my place. i cannot cry here, this is not my place.

"i... i should go. i'll see you tomorrow, glass."

i pick my things up, and i'm almost out the door. his voice grabs my ears, stopping me.

"no, wait, you should stay for dinner."

"yeah," she agrees. "we have enough space for you."

"i'll make that lamb dish i know you like," glass says, his eyes showing something. somehow, i think he's on to me. but that's purely speculation. after all, i just deal with the facts.

"no thanks. you see, normally the first time two people sharing a domicile have dinner together, the person who doesn't live there leaves. so... i'll see you tomorrow."

i turn to face the door, push it open, and brush out without much ceremony. i haven't noticed that devon has followed me until he calls my name.

"avery!"

i whirl around, careful to plaster on an indifferent face.

"yeah?"

he's silent for a moment before mumbling, "see you tomorrow."

i try to smile, i really do, as hard as i can.

"yeah. good night."

as i turn around, i swear he's on to me. he's on to me, but for some reason, the door clicks shut behind me.

abp#5: third wheel.

a/n: not sure where this is going to go, but here it goes. 
make friends with everyone; keep your feelings hidden 'cuz nobody wants to know; keep a smile perpetually on your face; walk ten feet behind couples; don't ever tell anyone what you're feeling; smile even when i'm not happy?; don't be a cock block; don't tell your best friend that you don't like her boyfriend; don't tell your friend that the real reason why you don't hang out anymore is because of her douche-y boyfriend; what's a cock block?; don't take anything seriously; actually take things seriously but look like you don't; smile at people you like; smile at people you don't like; smile at people you love so much you could cry; smile at people you hate so much you could die; make funny jokes at your own expense; try to never get involved in any drama; get sucked in anyway and find out you like people involved; go home and cry; do i really have to smile at people i hate?; don't ever say how you're feeling 'cuz nobody cares; walk slowly enough that the couples are always at least twenty feet ahead; walk quickly enough so that the one you like who is dating that person you don't like is always at least a hundred feet behind; cry quietly and only at night when no one's around; sing love songs like there's no tomorrow; sing heartbroken songs like there's no today; write sappy poetry about the one you love like there's no yesterday; and when you screw up, blame your sleep schedule.

k, i'd like some feedback, so if everyone who reads could please comment that would be All Sorts of Fabulous.

reflections on girl. why is there no boy? muse:human

so, girl. (SO, GURRRRRRRL.)
no, but this was an interesting story. it was from a "teacher" point of view, telling a girl how to be a girl. kinda. which was just hilarious to read because kincaid was constantly like "don't be a slut like i know you wanna be" and i'm just over here laughing my head off. 'scuse me, i'm a boy. write a story for me please? :) in other words, i liked this one.

muse:
as i stare at his retreating figure, i finally feel some trace of regret. but not much, just a sliver. the wind blows my hair, and some strands flow across my eyes. i hate it when that happens. he's finally out of sight, but i think i can still see him from my vantage point up here on this beautiful hill. this beautiful hill that i'm going to hate for the rest of my life, simply because every time i come here, it'll remind me of what happened here. who knows, later, it might make me cry or smile, but for now it makes me angry. and sad. and all sorts of other emotions, but that's for another time. but... to risk my heart and put it on the line. that's not being stupid is it? isn't it just the same as just living, just being human?

ep:convoluted phonecalls.

tonight. confusing me a lot. mainly just me confusing myself.

ep:
my phone vibrates. i have a small inkling of who is calling me, and the phone screen confirms my suspicion. my heart and mind both begin to race as i try to decide whether to pick up or not. on one hand, i want to pick up because i know we have to talk things out. we really do. or... at least you think we do. i just want you to take back what you said, because it sure does make it hard to talk to you ever ever ever. but then, on the other hand, i don't even know what to say. we need to talk? i guess. maybe. and then the topic would get deflected to something mundane (which wouldn't bother me, monday night was great) and things would still not get addressed. i spend about 20 minutes afterwards fretting to a friend, who says that it shouldn't be a big deal. it's just dependent on how much you need me, she says. so, i ask, how much do you need me? on second thought, don't answer that. i'm not sure i could stand the answer.

muse:breathe

wow, this is the first muse in a while. oops? inspired by breathe by taylor swift.

muse:
i really never intended to ever break up with him. ever. so naturally it shocked both of us when saturday found us standing in the rain saying our tearful goodbyes.

i don't even remember what i was thinking. i just remember what we did. that's about all i can remember. i recall stepping into his arms, and we just stood there for a while and we were both crying. we couldn't really tell though because there was just too much rain, but we were. in retrospect, it's kinda ironic that we ended this way--it's full circle. we had gotten together during a dance in the rain, now we break up in the rain.

but here we are.
i'm standing in my jeans, getting totally soaking wet and i'm trying not to look him entirely in the eyes. he's doing the same. instinctively i reach for his hand, and because we've just been together so long he doesn't pull away. i want things to stay like this forever. when we finally separate, i find that i can't breathe. the air is caught in my throat. the rain is coursing down my face in rivers, but i can't really tell if it's rain or tears. as i walk back into his arms, i rest my forehead on his shoulder. i can breathe again. he murmurs my name, and i whisper his, and we step apart again. and my breath is gone again. i can tell it's almost the same for him. his face is contorted into a tortured mask. but we have to leave. we have to walk away from each other. i mouth a goodbye and start to walk away.

each step gets harder and harder. my black canvas shoes are getting my socks just soaking. stepping in puddles isn't really helping the situation either. there's no inviting glow off the pavement tonight, just dull throbbing darkness. i turn around, and see him walking slowly towards his car. i nearly say his name, but catch myself.

i've gotta learn how to breathe on my own.

my hair is really wet. it feels like i'm in the coldest shower ever, but i'm getting nowhere near clean. the rhythm of the rain splashing on the pavement is almost muttering, turn around, go back, you're right for each other.

but we aren't, i almost answer. almost. 'cuz i still can't breathe without him. facing my car is now the hardest thing i've ever done. with each step i take, living gets gradually harder. but once i swing the door of my car open and sit down on the comfortable chair, breathing gets slightly easier. maybe i'll get through this. i slam the door shut, start the car, and turn on the windshield wipers. and then i get a glimpse of him, and air is just all gone. i close my eyes, rubbing them.

i've gotta learn how to breathe on my own.

i open my eyes, grasp the firm steering wheel, and pull onto the street. he's in his car and driving away too. as we pass each other, we both drive extremely slowly, not wanting to move forward and away from this moment. but surprisingly, it's me that accelerates away first.

i've gotta learn how to breathe on my own.

muse:return

inspired by the ending of the bones premiere. who knew such a graphic crime drama could be so sappy? slash emotional slash whatever.

muse:
people stream into the doors, many celebrating the return for their final year. i'm one of the few, seeing my graduating class year scrawled in paint on the softball cage. a small smile graces my lips. the instant i walk into my first classroom, i'm overcome by a wave of happiness. the phrase "i'm so glad to see you" just becomes my mantra for the morning.

at the end of the day, everyone heads for home.
everyone except you and me. the hallways are silent, the lights are beginning to turn off. the janitors sweep the lonely hallways clearing them of trash. i, of course, have to wait until later to return home. for some reason you're with me too. and you're right about to leave when i call you out.

"yes?"

i'm quiet, my face is burning, my heart is pounding. i stutter in a small voice how much i've missed you. how much i want to go back to the way things were before.

"yes?"

and it's then that i realize that i haven't said anything. i turn away and mouth a soft "goodbye," watching you slip out of the building. the lights go out.

cs2

well, why not do another one. to practice details.

she brushes brusquely into the classroom, her serious demeanor betraying nothing but the sentiment of, "let's get down to business." (whether she wants to defeat the huns or not is another question.) her stern steps have a slight bounce to them, giving her a confident swagger. she pushes her hair back behind her ear with a small, careful hand before sitting down. she greets her friend, a smile lighting itself on her lips. it's contagious, and spreads to her friend's mouth as well. the teacher starts class of with a joke, and she throws her head back and laughs without restriction. but below the surface, she squirms. the joke pokes fun at people in relationships. fresh out of one, she's a little uncomfortable with it. she tries to hide it with her beautiful smile. her phone buzzes, indicating a text message from a friend. she looks at the message--it's one of her best friends.

u alrite? u didn't look so great yesterday.


her smile falls, and for an instant, the world is only her. she enters her response into the phone quickly, avoiding the teacher's sight.

i guess so... long story tho, can i tell you latr?


she closes her coffee-colored eyes and sighs softly. the vibrating of her mobile makes her jump. not noticeably though. her seat in the back of the classroom hides her enough from the attention of others that she doesn't have to worry about the teacher calling her out in the middle of class. not that he would, anyway.

sure. i'm here for you--call if you need me. <3 ya


the corners of her mouth turn slightly upwards. best friends rule.