coming full circle./shorted.

it's interesting to see how this blog was started at the beginning of the end of my high school career for a writing class. now, i'm reviving it for the beginning of the end of my college career. funny how things come full circle.

it's hard for me to not burst into tears in the darkness on my way home, the winter cold nipping at my cheek like an overenergetic golden retriever.
the words of "i'm only doing what you told me to do" break me just a little, sending me back to that rather drunken night of worry and overprotectiveness. i had definitely regretted it in the morning, waking up to the cutting words of "chill out, there's no need for this!" but anyway, back to the now. it's hard to trudge up the hill in the frosty weather--thankfully the gods of frost and snow (bless their lovely hearts) had decided to spare the city from excessive snowfall, leaving me to muddle my way back to my apartment across town in hazardous slush. i slip a little and barely manage to steady myself, arms windmilling as i blink tears out of my eyes. i thought i'd processed this feeling awhile ago, why was all of this revisiting me?

i relay my thoughts to my friend later that night. "it's like it happened all over again," i say, my back on the bed and legs propped up on the wall like a pinup girl. "i thought i'd processed it, realized that i'd done something wrong, and moved on."

"okay, but do you forgive yourself for messing up?" she asks, popping a blueberry into her mouth. "that's the important part."

"yes?" i say, attempting to cross my legs. i end up falling into an awkward sprawl of limbs.

"i'm entirely convinced," my friend says. i can hear her eyes rolling almost as loudly as the clink of her fingernails against the red bowl she's holding. "no, but really. have you forgiven yourself?"

i untangle myself into a more comfortable position. "well, no," i say. "i figure things are entirely different between us now. i fucked up, i used up my one chance, things are different." my friend looks at me and i see her eyes actually roll this time.

"since when do you only get one chance with people?" she asks, brushing a strand of hair out of her eyes and fixing me with a glare. it's intimidating, even from where she's seated on the floor . "that's not fair to anyone."

"it's how i treat other people," i say with a shrug. "so it's only fair that i use the same standard with myself." my friend huffs a breath as she tosses the last blueberry at me. it bounces wetly off my nose. "that was really mature."

"well, more mature than your current state of affairs," my friend says, getting up and brandishing the red ceramic at my face. "you give yourself a chance to be human, and then we can talk about maturity." she stalks her way out of the room. "i know that you're worrying if we're still friends!" she yells from the hallway. "we are! i just need you to see what the fuck you're doing to yourself!"