reflections on girl. why is there no boy? muse:human

so, girl. (SO, GURRRRRRRL.)
no, but this was an interesting story. it was from a "teacher" point of view, telling a girl how to be a girl. kinda. which was just hilarious to read because kincaid was constantly like "don't be a slut like i know you wanna be" and i'm just over here laughing my head off. 'scuse me, i'm a boy. write a story for me please? :) in other words, i liked this one.

muse:
as i stare at his retreating figure, i finally feel some trace of regret. but not much, just a sliver. the wind blows my hair, and some strands flow across my eyes. i hate it when that happens. he's finally out of sight, but i think i can still see him from my vantage point up here on this beautiful hill. this beautiful hill that i'm going to hate for the rest of my life, simply because every time i come here, it'll remind me of what happened here. who knows, later, it might make me cry or smile, but for now it makes me angry. and sad. and all sorts of other emotions, but that's for another time. but... to risk my heart and put it on the line. that's not being stupid is it? isn't it just the same as just living, just being human?

muse:gravity

oh, life. ): inspired by gravity by sara bareilles.

muse:
you've been on my mind for awhile now.
you've been there since the beginning of last year. with your serious demeanor and childish heart, just making-or-breaking my day, depending on how much you pay attention to me. i never really expected to be distanced so far, though. i've been burned enough--so why do i keep coming back so close?

please, let me go. let go of me (though you hold me with nothing, no words, no chains, nothing), let my heart free. but maybe, maybe that's what you're telling me without any words, without anything. just that stoic, silent face. maybe that's what you're saying.

but how can i? i've dug myself so deep into this hole--and your name is written on the walls. i can't bear to think of life without you--even though you refuse to be a part of mine. i sit down here, and i call your name. i think you hear, but you never respond. maybe that's you saying, "leave me be. i love you enough to let you find someone better. please, please."

but i can't ever find my way out--i've fallen in headfirst. so i'm lying here, dazed, heartbroken, and just missing you. and, as if you can sense that i'm trying to get your attention like a little kid, you ignore me. it crushes me, and you refuse to hear my cries. but to me, you're neither friend nor foe--i just can't seem to let you go. you've been the only thing on my mind--you push away everything else. you write your name, claim your space--yes, the entire space--and walk right out. you leave me quiet, broken, and seeking you--your gravity is just too strong.

cs reflected, and what should have been my assignment.

cs reflected.
the teacher's comment sends the classroom into a hysterical roll of laughter. his laugh, of course, is the loudest. as the class gradually settles down, he glances across the desks to his friend on the other side. his vision is met with a waggle of fingers. he stifles his laugh and smiles instead, his already-small eyes crinkling to make the smile that much more genuine. he turns his focus back to the assignment at hand, but finds that he's unable to focus. he settles for looking in his brightly colored planner instead. he skims the week, as if looking for some form of entertainment, even a surprise. the bell rings, and he's shaken out of his reverie. he tosses his hair, brushing it to the left, exactly how it's already styled. he gives a small sigh and looks at his friend again, who is still focused on the paper on his desk. he gets a mischievous smile, and sneaks around to behind his friend's chair. his snug jacket makes his slight shoulders seem a little broader. with each tiptoed step, his green shoelace races across the floor, leaving streaks of a neon glow in its wake. his faded blue jeans hide nothing about him, showing the legs of a fencer--large, but mostly muscle. he holds himself confidently and almost with a child-like arrogance. as he says his friend's name, he rests his black-clad arms gently on his head. he smiles widely and laughs, throwing his head back. his friend gives him a slight glare, but he can tell that there's a twinkle of amusement in them. he lifts his arms, stretching and says something about hurrying up and meeting him out near his locker. he skips out of the classroom. as he opens his locker, his eyes catch something written on the side, and his face falls. the instant someone walks by, his face switches back on the fake smile, almost a reflex. he sighs, reaching into his locker and grabbing his lunch.

guess who it is! it was really hard to do that cs, actually.

what should have been my assignment.
(maybe i motivated the assigned blog post? haha. oops.)

For him, it was always a race against the clock. He only had a short time to make the most out of things, create as many memories as possible, and then leave.

Some were struck by the way he could sweep in with a smile, and leave as fast as he came. Others couldn’t stand him. But only the few who knew him well were aware of the toll it took. They were aware of the reason for his quick entrances and exits. But what they also knew was that he would never find exactly what he was looking for.

To a special few, he would divulge his secrets and invite them in to his personal labyrinth. Some were intimidated by the task at hand and fled. Others tried to brave its corridors, only to run when ghastly beasts crossed their paths. Most people he encountered, though, only saw the golden gates of the entrance. They wanted in, but he kept his careful distance.

But, there was an even more exclusive group composed of two people. One who survived the maze, and one who shattered it.

The survivor was the sole adventurer who found the exit, but chose to retrace her steps. She herself let loose her personal demons in the maze, giving the creatures companions. Each turn afterwards led her to even darker places, yet the walls continued to shine the way to the finish. But in that final stretch leading to the goal, she turned around and walked back out. Bidding him goodbye she told of her obligations to others, others slightly more in need of her. The secrets etched in the ramparts of the center fortress she kept, promising that she would return.

It was in this state that the final visitor found the labyrinth. Desolate, cold, and even more overridden with horrific beings that defied imagination. Yet, he accepted the invitation and strode bravely in. Unlike the previous adventurers, he kept to himself, arousing the curiosity of the demons. Slowly, they turned to him for answers and he tamed them. The creatures transformed and followed the traveler, guarding him. But as he reached the final gates, he found he could go no further. Following the precedent, he took something with him as he left. Unlike the last adventurer, however, he took the key to the gates. With each footfall, the maze walls crumbled around him. Venturing out through the rubble, he fled, looking over his shoulder once only to see no retaliation, just the maze slowly reconstructing itself.

The key is what the memory maker seeks. Sweeping in, he plants his temporary roots looking deeply into each person’s eyes. When he doesn’t find a part of himself with them, he runs, leaving only a cloud of memories. It is with this reckless abandon he searches, not caring about hearts he tramples and love he misses. All that matters is finding what he’s lost. All that matters is that one person who shattered his walls and left him searching.

thoughts on "looking for something lost"

so maybe i should try and write the homework later so that i have more people to bounce it off of. the only people i've been able to bounce it off was the blenderlid. he thought that overall the story was good, only a few things that bothered him personally. they bothered me too, so i went through again a couple times to edit. but to me, it seems a little clunky still. maybe, eventually, i can get invisiblepinkink along with nameless to help and add their concrit.

i feel that this should be a kind of "making of" type thing.
the events that have unfolded recently have just left me a little dazed and just utterly broken. essentially, when you give someone a choice, you want them to make a certain one. when they don't, it hurts. but you can't really force that upon them, right? it's a choice. also, in this society, we all put up fronts. we are all hypocrites (in the sense that hypocrite was used in ancient greece, meaning an actor) as we only show the good parts of us. if someone asks "how are you" the default answer is always "good" or "fine." if you say anything but, people freak out. (some a little more than others... and with good reason. sometimes. it's not bad to care about people, is it?) and though we may think that no one else is going through the same thing, everyone is. everyone has their own labyrinth with their own monsters. the only differences are the extent of complexity and ghastliness of the labyrinth and the personal demons. so, in essence, this story is based off of the feeling when someone's gotten in so deep getting to know you, and then pulls out as quickly as they came in. a part of you is lost, and you go looking for that in other people. you put up a stronger front (that someone will eventually be able to break again) and keep on looking. you kind of blind yourself to the feelings of others, because you're searching for that one thing that's missing. and you can't really ever find it.