likeably unlikeable.

so after reading the description of what we're Actually Supposed to Be Doing, things make a lot more sense. and i also was somewhat on the right track.

muse:masks and bones.

muse:
i've had this mask plastered on me for a while. a mask with a fake, plastic smile stuck on it. perpetually. i don't let anyone get too close, i hold everyone at arm's distance. they're all put off by my laughing demeanor--if you laugh, nothing must be wrong with you.

then he came. he crashed in, with his stern manners, his gentle smile, his amazing knowledge--it was all too much. i'm not sure when my mask cracked, but it did. and i think i may have thrown him off too--it might have been love. but i never gave him a chance. he was willing to give me everything he had, everything, everything... and i let him down. holding people at a distance is a habit, so of course it was rational that it would kick in at the right moment. or... in this case, the wrong moment.

so these little signals that i've been getting from the universe, from these bones, they're telling me that i was wrong. that i should've let him in, that i should've let him through, that i should've given him a chance, that i... that maybe, i was wrong.

now, it's three months later and he's all that's on my mind. he holds my thoughts, my mind, my heart. how could he hold such power over me? it's not logical at all--humans can only control their own feelings, their own emotions. how could someone do this to me? these bones say that it's possible, that i was wrong to not let him in.

and now, as i'm crying in his car because he's with someone, i realize that i was wrong. for the first time in a long lifetime of being right, i'm wrong. i'm embarrassed because he's watching me as the tears are falling, the mask is breaking, and my world is crashing down.

ep:if you snark and muse:record

so, i was considering things to write about for abp#5 and was thinking "douche" and along the lines of that is "let your lab partner collect data all by himself while you go out to lunch and totally don't help him at all." said person that is being addressed doesn't seem to really mind what happened, although i and certain others feel very inflamed and up-in-arms about it. why do people suck, seriously? when people pull their weight, things work. but when they don't people get angry. also, another thing that pisses me off is when people complain, but do not have a solution slash are not planning the stupid thing. homecoming planning for dinner was extremely difficult, people, SO DO NOT SNARK AT ME IF YOU DON'T ENJOY THE RESTAURANT. YOU MAY GO EAT DINNER BY YOURSELF AND THEN COME TO THE DANCE WITH THAT FABULOUS SNARKY ATTITUDE AND THEN DANCE BY YOURSELF IN THE CORNER. 


anyway.
a muse. once again inspired by the ending of bones.
muse:
i'd told her that he likes records, especially a certain one by a certain band. the record itself turned different colors when the light hit it at different angles, making for a rather psychedelic effect. i knew he'd love it, but it wasn't my place to give it to him.

that night, we were all sitting around in their comfortably cramped apartment, waiting for him to come home. wine glasses were on the table, and all of us (me, her, and our two friends) were sipping our drinks. white dessert wine, the type that is sweet and then kicks you in the mouth as a reward. the black leather couches were warm and comfortable, and i thought that i could never bring myself to stand up. as the door clicks open, our two friends stand up. they manage to mumble something before pushing their way out the doorway. it's just me, him, and her left. he notices the iridescent record on a table next to the couch.

"what's this?"

"oh, avery told me that you love records. especially this band, and it has your favorite song on it."

she stands up, padding her way over to his side.

"look, it even changes color when you move it around!"

he smiles broadly, winningly. i beam.

"thanks!"

"you're welcome," she and i both answer. they don't seem to hear me, and they kiss simply, but lovingly. i can almost hear my heart shattering on the ground, but this is not my place. i cannot cry here, this is not my place.

"i... i should go. i'll see you tomorrow, glass."

i pick my things up, and i'm almost out the door. his voice grabs my ears, stopping me.

"no, wait, you should stay for dinner."

"yeah," she agrees. "we have enough space for you."

"i'll make that lamb dish i know you like," glass says, his eyes showing something. somehow, i think he's on to me. but that's purely speculation. after all, i just deal with the facts.

"no thanks. you see, normally the first time two people sharing a domicile have dinner together, the person who doesn't live there leaves. so... i'll see you tomorrow."

i turn to face the door, push it open, and brush out without much ceremony. i haven't noticed that devon has followed me until he calls my name.

"avery!"

i whirl around, careful to plaster on an indifferent face.

"yeah?"

he's silent for a moment before mumbling, "see you tomorrow."

i try to smile, i really do, as hard as i can.

"yeah. good night."

as i turn around, i swear he's on to me. he's on to me, but for some reason, the door clicks shut behind me.

muse:return

inspired by the ending of the bones premiere. who knew such a graphic crime drama could be so sappy? slash emotional slash whatever.

muse:
people stream into the doors, many celebrating the return for their final year. i'm one of the few, seeing my graduating class year scrawled in paint on the softball cage. a small smile graces my lips. the instant i walk into my first classroom, i'm overcome by a wave of happiness. the phrase "i'm so glad to see you" just becomes my mantra for the morning.

at the end of the day, everyone heads for home.
everyone except you and me. the hallways are silent, the lights are beginning to turn off. the janitors sweep the lonely hallways clearing them of trash. i, of course, have to wait until later to return home. for some reason you're with me too. and you're right about to leave when i call you out.

"yes?"

i'm quiet, my face is burning, my heart is pounding. i stutter in a small voice how much i've missed you. how much i want to go back to the way things were before.

"yes?"

and it's then that i realize that i haven't said anything. i turn away and mouth a soft "goodbye," watching you slip out of the building. the lights go out.