ep:separate

ep:
i know why gravity hurts now. since you're the center of everything that i ever think of, instinctively i draw near to you. you attract me like a moth to the flame, your gravity is too much for me to bear. i fly closer and closer hoping that this time, just this time, the flame won't burn my waxen wings and i won't fall to earth.

but as i'm falling (for possibly the last time), i realize why gravity hurts.

gravity says that i can't be with you, that i have to let you go, that i shouldn't fly. gravity says that i'm forbidden to be emotionally invested, gravity says that i must stay by myself on the ground.

gravity says not to love you.

gravity says to pick myself up off the floor and walk away.

but i'm still reaching for you, still reaching skyward. how can something so good be so bad for me? i thought that maybe, just this once, i could fly.

gravity says no.

muse:static hearts

muse:
the soft, piano and stringed music rolls out of my speakers. a beautiful female voice sings of how math cannot possibly compare with an infinite love, and i find myself agreeing. as her voice vaults higher and higher into the star-laden night sky, the speakers fizz, static is the accompaniment to my whispered singing for a moment. my heart races, the metallic ruby splash comes to life--but only for about a second, merely announcing The Great Coming of Nothing. my heart falls, my face darkens to match the velvet heavens. my downcast stare is met by the blank gaze of my white desk. i ponder a moment before trying to turn my attention back to my book. the words don't leap off the page like they used to. i keep trying to tell myself that i don't need you to top off my night cap, but maybe i do. the static buzz that makes my heart race echoes again, and i glance at my phone. it's...

ep:if you snark and muse:record

so, i was considering things to write about for abp#5 and was thinking "douche" and along the lines of that is "let your lab partner collect data all by himself while you go out to lunch and totally don't help him at all." said person that is being addressed doesn't seem to really mind what happened, although i and certain others feel very inflamed and up-in-arms about it. why do people suck, seriously? when people pull their weight, things work. but when they don't people get angry. also, another thing that pisses me off is when people complain, but do not have a solution slash are not planning the stupid thing. homecoming planning for dinner was extremely difficult, people, SO DO NOT SNARK AT ME IF YOU DON'T ENJOY THE RESTAURANT. YOU MAY GO EAT DINNER BY YOURSELF AND THEN COME TO THE DANCE WITH THAT FABULOUS SNARKY ATTITUDE AND THEN DANCE BY YOURSELF IN THE CORNER. 


anyway.
a muse. once again inspired by the ending of bones.
muse:
i'd told her that he likes records, especially a certain one by a certain band. the record itself turned different colors when the light hit it at different angles, making for a rather psychedelic effect. i knew he'd love it, but it wasn't my place to give it to him.

that night, we were all sitting around in their comfortably cramped apartment, waiting for him to come home. wine glasses were on the table, and all of us (me, her, and our two friends) were sipping our drinks. white dessert wine, the type that is sweet and then kicks you in the mouth as a reward. the black leather couches were warm and comfortable, and i thought that i could never bring myself to stand up. as the door clicks open, our two friends stand up. they manage to mumble something before pushing their way out the doorway. it's just me, him, and her left. he notices the iridescent record on a table next to the couch.

"what's this?"

"oh, avery told me that you love records. especially this band, and it has your favorite song on it."

she stands up, padding her way over to his side.

"look, it even changes color when you move it around!"

he smiles broadly, winningly. i beam.

"thanks!"

"you're welcome," she and i both answer. they don't seem to hear me, and they kiss simply, but lovingly. i can almost hear my heart shattering on the ground, but this is not my place. i cannot cry here, this is not my place.

"i... i should go. i'll see you tomorrow, glass."

i pick my things up, and i'm almost out the door. his voice grabs my ears, stopping me.

"no, wait, you should stay for dinner."

"yeah," she agrees. "we have enough space for you."

"i'll make that lamb dish i know you like," glass says, his eyes showing something. somehow, i think he's on to me. but that's purely speculation. after all, i just deal with the facts.

"no thanks. you see, normally the first time two people sharing a domicile have dinner together, the person who doesn't live there leaves. so... i'll see you tomorrow."

i turn to face the door, push it open, and brush out without much ceremony. i haven't noticed that devon has followed me until he calls my name.

"avery!"

i whirl around, careful to plaster on an indifferent face.

"yeah?"

he's silent for a moment before mumbling, "see you tomorrow."

i try to smile, i really do, as hard as i can.

"yeah. good night."

as i turn around, i swear he's on to me. he's on to me, but for some reason, the door clicks shut behind me.

abp#5: third wheel.

a/n: not sure where this is going to go, but here it goes. 
make friends with everyone; keep your feelings hidden 'cuz nobody wants to know; keep a smile perpetually on your face; walk ten feet behind couples; don't ever tell anyone what you're feeling; smile even when i'm not happy?; don't be a cock block; don't tell your best friend that you don't like her boyfriend; don't tell your friend that the real reason why you don't hang out anymore is because of her douche-y boyfriend; what's a cock block?; don't take anything seriously; actually take things seriously but look like you don't; smile at people you like; smile at people you don't like; smile at people you love so much you could cry; smile at people you hate so much you could die; make funny jokes at your own expense; try to never get involved in any drama; get sucked in anyway and find out you like people involved; go home and cry; do i really have to smile at people i hate?; don't ever say how you're feeling 'cuz nobody cares; walk slowly enough that the couples are always at least twenty feet ahead; walk quickly enough so that the one you like who is dating that person you don't like is always at least a hundred feet behind; cry quietly and only at night when no one's around; sing love songs like there's no tomorrow; sing heartbroken songs like there's no today; write sappy poetry about the one you love like there's no yesterday; and when you screw up, blame your sleep schedule.

k, i'd like some feedback, so if everyone who reads could please comment that would be All Sorts of Fabulous.

reflections on girl. why is there no boy? muse:human

so, girl. (SO, GURRRRRRRL.)
no, but this was an interesting story. it was from a "teacher" point of view, telling a girl how to be a girl. kinda. which was just hilarious to read because kincaid was constantly like "don't be a slut like i know you wanna be" and i'm just over here laughing my head off. 'scuse me, i'm a boy. write a story for me please? :) in other words, i liked this one.

muse:
as i stare at his retreating figure, i finally feel some trace of regret. but not much, just a sliver. the wind blows my hair, and some strands flow across my eyes. i hate it when that happens. he's finally out of sight, but i think i can still see him from my vantage point up here on this beautiful hill. this beautiful hill that i'm going to hate for the rest of my life, simply because every time i come here, it'll remind me of what happened here. who knows, later, it might make me cry or smile, but for now it makes me angry. and sad. and all sorts of other emotions, but that's for another time. but... to risk my heart and put it on the line. that's not being stupid is it? isn't it just the same as just living, just being human?

muse:return

inspired by the ending of the bones premiere. who knew such a graphic crime drama could be so sappy? slash emotional slash whatever.

muse:
people stream into the doors, many celebrating the return for their final year. i'm one of the few, seeing my graduating class year scrawled in paint on the softball cage. a small smile graces my lips. the instant i walk into my first classroom, i'm overcome by a wave of happiness. the phrase "i'm so glad to see you" just becomes my mantra for the morning.

at the end of the day, everyone heads for home.
everyone except you and me. the hallways are silent, the lights are beginning to turn off. the janitors sweep the lonely hallways clearing them of trash. i, of course, have to wait until later to return home. for some reason you're with me too. and you're right about to leave when i call you out.

"yes?"

i'm quiet, my face is burning, my heart is pounding. i stutter in a small voice how much i've missed you. how much i want to go back to the way things were before.

"yes?"

and it's then that i realize that i haven't said anything. i turn away and mouth a soft "goodbye," watching you slip out of the building. the lights go out.

an addendum to gravity: weightless

hey look, a happy one? :)

addendum:
sometimes, i guess, you want to dig me out of that hole. you explain yourself, cast away any doubt of misunderstandings. suddenly, your actions make sense, and a burden is lifted off my chest. i can get close again without burning myself.

the hole in the ground pushes me up back to level ground. it's been too long. you wrinkle your nose at me, make some snide comment in a playful manner, making me pout. but, i'm flying up in the clouds. i'm back, we're back, and things are gonna be just fine.

muse:gravity

oh, life. ): inspired by gravity by sara bareilles.

muse:
you've been on my mind for awhile now.
you've been there since the beginning of last year. with your serious demeanor and childish heart, just making-or-breaking my day, depending on how much you pay attention to me. i never really expected to be distanced so far, though. i've been burned enough--so why do i keep coming back so close?

please, let me go. let go of me (though you hold me with nothing, no words, no chains, nothing), let my heart free. but maybe, maybe that's what you're telling me without any words, without anything. just that stoic, silent face. maybe that's what you're saying.

but how can i? i've dug myself so deep into this hole--and your name is written on the walls. i can't bear to think of life without you--even though you refuse to be a part of mine. i sit down here, and i call your name. i think you hear, but you never respond. maybe that's you saying, "leave me be. i love you enough to let you find someone better. please, please."

but i can't ever find my way out--i've fallen in headfirst. so i'm lying here, dazed, heartbroken, and just missing you. and, as if you can sense that i'm trying to get your attention like a little kid, you ignore me. it crushes me, and you refuse to hear my cries. but to me, you're neither friend nor foe--i just can't seem to let you go. you've been the only thing on my mind--you push away everything else. you write your name, claim your space--yes, the entire space--and walk right out. you leave me quiet, broken, and seeking you--your gravity is just too strong.