ep:convoluted phonecalls.

tonight. confusing me a lot. mainly just me confusing myself.

ep:
my phone vibrates. i have a small inkling of who is calling me, and the phone screen confirms my suspicion. my heart and mind both begin to race as i try to decide whether to pick up or not. on one hand, i want to pick up because i know we have to talk things out. we really do. or... at least you think we do. i just want you to take back what you said, because it sure does make it hard to talk to you ever ever ever. but then, on the other hand, i don't even know what to say. we need to talk? i guess. maybe. and then the topic would get deflected to something mundane (which wouldn't bother me, monday night was great) and things would still not get addressed. i spend about 20 minutes afterwards fretting to a friend, who says that it shouldn't be a big deal. it's just dependent on how much you need me, she says. so, i ask, how much do you need me? on second thought, don't answer that. i'm not sure i could stand the answer.

pss that i want to write... someone do it?

ok, i swear this is the last post from me today. 
maybe.
i'll try? 


i want to do a pss for this, but... yeah. that'll be for tomorrow. or something. 
someone can take it if they want?

emotionpile (ep):forgiveness

you've told me about yourself.
you've risked yourself, and put yourself on the line, telling me these things.
you've also told me about me.

i know you've taken some things back.
you've denied some.
but there's that one you haven't taken back that keeps itself buried in my heart. like a dagger.

someone said to forgive you.
and i can't tell you enough.
i forgive you.
i do, i do, i do.

please, just come back and make things right.
i miss you.

guilt and motivations.

so, this falls into a rather miscellaneous pile of posts. don't even know.

today, my dad guilted me into doing something, namely clean the car because i accidentally dented it while driving it out of the garage (oops). i already felt horrible about doing that, and he guilted me into doing it again. come to think of it, lots of what my parents want me to do comes from guilting me into it. guilt is a great feeling for helping to expedite the apology process and whatnot, but using it to manipulate people into doing what you want them to? that's just outright horrible. maybe that's why i'm constantly doing things that get me and my parents into shouting matches. maybe that's why i'm so eager to go out of state--to get away from all of that.

some things that they've guilted me into  i don't regret--coming to interlake for instance. i've met some truly amazing people, made so many memories... i don't want to leave this time. but as we move forward, i find myself wanting to run away more--to be free.