muse:masks and bones.

muse:
i've had this mask plastered on me for a while. a mask with a fake, plastic smile stuck on it. perpetually. i don't let anyone get too close, i hold everyone at arm's distance. they're all put off by my laughing demeanor--if you laugh, nothing must be wrong with you.

then he came. he crashed in, with his stern manners, his gentle smile, his amazing knowledge--it was all too much. i'm not sure when my mask cracked, but it did. and i think i may have thrown him off too--it might have been love. but i never gave him a chance. he was willing to give me everything he had, everything, everything... and i let him down. holding people at a distance is a habit, so of course it was rational that it would kick in at the right moment. or... in this case, the wrong moment.

so these little signals that i've been getting from the universe, from these bones, they're telling me that i was wrong. that i should've let him in, that i should've let him through, that i should've given him a chance, that i... that maybe, i was wrong.

now, it's three months later and he's all that's on my mind. he holds my thoughts, my mind, my heart. how could he hold such power over me? it's not logical at all--humans can only control their own feelings, their own emotions. how could someone do this to me? these bones say that it's possible, that i was wrong to not let him in.

and now, as i'm crying in his car because he's with someone, i realize that i was wrong. for the first time in a long lifetime of being right, i'm wrong. i'm embarrassed because he's watching me as the tears are falling, the mask is breaking, and my world is crashing down.