a mess. that's what i am. too much chaos to be understood, too much to be handled. maybe i am doomed to push people away with my falsities and lies, while yearning for someone.
i hate myself for pushing you away. i hate myself for letting it affect me this much. to the point where i admit that i need you. i need to hear your voice, see your smile, everything. i need you. it's embarrassing. but of course, being the strong, stoic person you are, you never betray anything. no emotion whatsoever. it took me the longest time to realize that you had feelings. and when i did, it made a difference--but only for about two minutes. i know you have emotions. i know you do. but why can't i break through? i know you didn't feel what i felt, but it seemed like you needed me. and for a little bit, i was on cloud nine. it made my day just how much you needed me--needed to talk to me, needed me to laugh, everything.
but those days are gone now. i'm just left in your wake, broken, hurting once again. and that's right. i hurt. i'm not a one-dimensional person. i'm not always happy, i'm not always laughing. please don't buy into that illusion. please.
all that i've learned:
don't wait around and hurt. i'll find someone who needs me, who loves me for who i am. so, pick up the pieces and try to start walking. i can only get closer to my goal.
but come back. i miss you. i need you.
Ouch, "it took me the longest time to realize that you had feelings?"
ReplyDeleteLove this. You nailed it with this one.
ReplyDelete